


Five times Jay touches Hailey and...

by Heellen



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:36:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28636392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heellen/pseuds/Heellen
Summary: It's not really easy to trust someone, at least not for Jay. Allowing someone to see the most vulnerable part of him, touching parts of his soul that are so hidden - someone who could hurt him and break his heart. But Hailey - she's his best friend, his confidant - and maybe learning to let her in is the best thing Jay has ever done.
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	Five times Jay touches Hailey and...

Five times Jay touches Hailey

and

one time he kisses him

**I - To comfort her**

"Hey. I was looking for you. You left pretty quick." Jay tapped on the locker room door a few times, seeing Hailey sigh and run a hand through her hair.

"Hey. Yeah, not really in the mood for company."

"Yup. Figured."

Jay sat on the bench in front of her locker, turning his badge over in his hands.

They had been working together for a few months and he certainly couldn't think he knew her well. Indeed, if he had been honest with himself, he would have admitted that in the early days of partnership, he wasn't even interested in knowing her.

He really couldn't forget the first impression she had made on him. A bubbly Detective, with blonde locks waving around without restraint. Jay really couldn't bear to have to share his time, his work, with her.

It took him a few days to realize how different Hailey was from Erin, but it took him a few weeks to really appreciate that difference. He couldn't bear to have her around when his career was falling down, right at the beginning of their partnership. At the end of that day, though, he'd been pleasantly surprised to see her running towards him at the end of the conference.

They weren't friends yet, not at all. They respected each other, though.

"I saw you leave with Voight. Everything fine?"

Hailey looked at him for a few seconds trying to focus on his words. After her prolonged silence, he continued.

"Voight can be a little…hard, sometimes." He gives her a quick little smile, "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Hailey looked at him again and something in her blue eyes flickered.

For the first time, her clear expression made him wince something in the center of his chest, an emotion he didn't think he felt anymore - certainly not for the nosy little Detective. Something very similar to affection.

He was silent, watching her move nervously in the locker room, until she gave up and sat on the opposite side of the bench where he was.

"Voight was…it went well." She nodded, meeting his eyes.

And really, he still couldn't get used to how blue her eyes were.

"It's been a crazy a couple of days."

"Yup." She giggled weakly, "It's definitely a way of say it."

"Hailey…" Jay let out a deep breath, "If I can do something…"

"No!" She replied almost too forcefully, "No, I…I'm fine."

Jay cocked his head to the side and stared at her. She looked up at him and let out a bitter laugh.

"Yeah, maybe I'm not fine but…I will be."

"I know."

She looked up at him, her eyes large and full of amazement.

"I know you'll be fine, but in the meantime, if you need to…"

Hailey nodded with her eyes closed and he was thinking about leaving to leave her alone when she let out a shaky breath and her wet gaze stopped on him.

Jay was silent, watching her. She was tired, nervous and sad. And really, the awareness of reading her so well scared him every time.

She was as closed and reserved - as much as he was, maybe even more - and, in the few months of partnership, he had realized she rarely let her emotions show. But in that moment, in the soothing silence of the locker room, Jay realized Hailey had broken down some of the walls that always protected her.

He was seeing her being vulnerable and sincere and it was such an unexpected and mesmerizing sight that it left him momentarily confused.

"I know it wasn't my fault and McGrady was a bastard but he's still dead and…I don't know."

They remained silent. There was nothing Jay could say to make her feel better - they both knew it. But maybe - and this really scared him - he didn't want to talk, he just wanted to be with her. In silence. Helping her to find a peace that, at that moment, she didn't have.

Hailey breathed shakily a few more times and, trying not to let him see, she brushed a hand over her eyes. Hailey was many things and certainly proud was one of them. It didn't take long for Jay to realize that seeing her be vulnerable wasn't something to be used to.

"Eh, I think I'll call it a day. See you tomorrow." She gave him a smile, still watery, that didn't reach her eyes.

"Hailey."

Jay moved before he even thought and when his hand closed on her forearm, he felt something very similar to a shock radiate from her covered skin.

Hailey whirled around staring at his hand tightly around her and Jay felt like he was going back to a few months before when she had touched him. After the death of that child, after the conference, after the charges against him were dropped.

That day he had watched her hand rest on him and he had had to restrain himself from running away, away from her. Far from a woman who wanted to tear down his walls with all that aura of kindness and perseverance that, honestly, got on his nerves.

But now, now he could understand her point of view.

Seeing Hailey stay there, abandoned and feeling guilty, was something he just hated.

But maybe they were not yet ready to comfort themselves like this - maybe they never would be.

**II - Her birthday**

"Today. Today is a great day!"

Kevin's voice boomed in the bullpen and Jay looked up to stare at him. Kevin was leaning against the break room door, holding the calendar stretched out in front of him.

His finger pointed to the big red circle around the number 1 of the month of May - that same day.

Jay shook his head back to focus on his computer when a flash of blonde hair caught his attention. Hailey was looking at Kevin as if begging him not to say more, but he gave her a big smile before his voice thundered into the silence.

"It's Hailey Upton's birthday today!"

The few seconds of silence that followed his words were soon replaced by Kim's shrill voice and Adam's chair crawling across the floor.

"I see a good reason to celebrate!" Adam slammed his fist lightly into Hailey's shoulder.

"Guys, really. Not so important." Hailey moaned shaking her head. Her embarrassment was so obvious and Jay had to hide a smile behind the computer screen.

"Let's go for a drink tonight. Let's celebrate!" Kevin gave her a quick hug before returning to her desk humming slightly.

And Jay smiled gently at her, "I didn't know it was today!"

She moaned with a tired sigh, before shaking her head and giggling, "Uh, yeah…"

...

"Well, first round's on me. Then I leave you all alone." Al walked over to their table carrying a tray full of beer glasses.

"Oh Al, don't go! Stay a while!"

"Do you want this beer or not?" Al slammed the full glass in Adam's face, glaring at him.

"Yeah sure, man. Thanks." He hurried to retort him, then throwing a broad smile that made everyone laugh.

Hailey took a sip of beer and Jay heard her giggle slightly. They were crushed on a corner table, the only one free they found at that time. For her birthday, Alvin and Voight had joined them and the space was so small that Jay could practically feel Kim's shoulder sticking into his arm. Hailey, who occupied the other side of him, was smaller than Kim and certainly calmer and he wasn't in danger of her maiming him with every movement. Her thigh was pressed against his, but she didn't seem to give it all the importance that he did.

He had never realized how small Hailey was. Her personality was so immense that she made her look like a fury of blonde hair.

As if Adam had read his thoughts about her, he raised his glass howling.

"Happy birthday, big little Hailey Upton."

For the first time in the night, Jay felt her move uncomfortably and when he looked at her, he noticed her cheeks turning a funny scarlet color. Hailey hid her embarrassment behind a cheery laugh, slamming her glass against Adam's.

To Hailey's delight, the night continued with no more fuss from her colleagues and when Voight and Alvin left, Adam and Kevin gave their best. The tipsy versions of themselves were so funny that even Hailey managed to forget her embarrassment at being the center of the whole night's celebration.

Although there was more space on the bench than before, Hailey was still inexplicably pressed against him. And, honestly, Jay wasn't sorry at all. She was cheerful and funny, so different from him. Also, he was so used to the warmth of her hand on his shoulder that he wasn't really intimidated by her closeness.

It was only in that moment that he realized he still hadn't wished happy birthday to her. He had been with her all day, he had been literally attached to her all night, and yet...

"Hailey…" He whispered when the others were distracted enough by their own laughter, "Hailey."

He leaned toward her, in the small empty space between their heads, as his hand slid toward her, now resting on her thigh under the table, and squeezed it.

"Happy birthday, partner."

He smiled kindly.

For the first time, he wasn't really afraid of her closeness. Hailey had proved to be a reliable and solid partner, and somehow he trusted her.

Hailey looked up at him and smiled awkwardly.

And, even after months, he had to blink a few times in front of all that blue - it was almost…mesmerizing and he wondered if she didn't have some super power, because every time his breath got stuck in his throat.

"Thanks, Jay."

It was just a whisper and her cheeks turned that scarlet red he found so lovely on her.

**III - To make sure she was okay**

Al was dead. He was dead.

His mind couldn't think of anything else.

It seemed absurd Alvin was dead. He had never imagined the possibility that Al could die.

Of course, Jay wasn't a fool. It was obvious Al would die sooner or later. But Al was…he was just Al. And, seriously, he couldn't be dead.

Jay took a deep breath, looking logically at everything that had happened. But logic, at that moment, didn't exist, at least not for him. The cold night should have cleared his thoughts, but he continued to feel suffocated and he didn't know what to do to change things.

While he was there, terrified of choking on his own anxiety, the thought of Voight blocked the little breath he still had. Voight would be destroyed by all of that. Losing Al was unthinkable for Voight - it was for everyone, but for him...

Kevin put a hand on his shoulder bringing him back to reality, while in the distance the siren of an ambo boomed in the dark. They went slowly back to med, the small waiting room, where their co-workers were, had fallen into an almost chilling silence. Kim's trembling breaths were the only sound loud enough to hear, everything else was so absurdly quiet and Jay felt the hair on the back of his neck lift.

He saw Hailey, her skin as white as snow and her eyes lost in the void. For the first time, the thought of losing her - really losing her - made him shiver.

They hadn't been partners for so long, but she had proved to be faithful and solid, far more so than many other people he had worked with. Hailey's loyalty to him was still something that amazed him and seeing her there, in that moment, small and heartbroken made set up something, inside him, that left him amazed.

He slowly walked over to her and placed his hand on her shoulder, giving a light squeeze. If his movement had surprised her, she didn't show it because like an automatic reflection, her hand rested on his. Her hair was a barrier between their skin and it was soft and fluffy - he had never really noticed it.

It was a quick touch, but it was what he could achieve and he gladly accepted it anyway.

It was only as they walked back to his truck, with Hailey a few paces behind him, that he realized how tired they really were.

Seeing the despair in Voight's gaze had nearly annihilated him. Because Al was dead - he was really dead.

It was a low sigh that made him stop and turn to Hailey. She angrily wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt, looking away from him.

"Sorry. I shouldn't…"

She continued to look at her feet, "I didn't know him as well as you do, but he was the first to accept me into the unit. And he was a great man and…I don't know. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be doing this drama."

Hailey shook her head slowly, a lonely tear glinting on her cheek against the streetlight.

He didn't realize how much Hailey was hurting. And again, she seemed so small to him.

He took a few steps closer to her and like moments before, he let his hand slip on her shoulder.

"It's okay, Hailey. Feeling so bad, it's okay. Al knew how to be loved…in his own way."

She giggled watery again, finally looking at him.

"I know he was a soldier…and a sniper, just like you. I can imagine how much he meant to you."

He blinked a couple of times taken aback by everything she knew about him. A hint of annoyance blossomed in his stomach at the idea that she was so mixed up in his life she imagined how much Alvin meant to him.

But then Hailey looked at him again with that honest look and he felt guilty about that thought.

"I'm fine. Al was important, but I'm fine."

He shrugged indifferently, before tightening his grip on her shoulder, "You okay?"

Hailey smiled slightly at him, both very aware of the lie he had just told.

"I'm fine. Let's go back to the district, Jay." She squeezed the hand resting on her shoulder before slowly walking past him.

He watched her blond hair move in the wind and, for the first time, he felt this need to make sure she was okay.

**IV - To reassure her he was fine**

"Sarge…" Hailey broke into the conversation while maintaining a stiff pose.

"Not now, Upton."

Voight dismissed her with three simple words, while his face remained inches from Jay's.

"Sarge, it's not just on him."

"It's none of your business. Get the hell out!" Voight gave her such a venomous look as his words echoed in the empty garage that she backed away slightly - as if the air had rejected her.

She was ready to protest, Jay knew her well. And that was why he gave her a quick wave of his arm and never before did he hope that Hailey wasn't as stubborn as she always is.

And he had to hold back a sigh of relief when Hailey slowly backed away while keeping her gaze fixed on him. When the garage door closed behind her, Voight seemed to wake up and erupted all the rage and stress of those days at him.

Jay could understand his point of view, he wanted to handle things his way. But he also knew he had done the right thing by preventing Brennan from killing herself. He could never let her make that gesture and do nothing to prevent it. It was something he just couldn't do.

He realized the scope of their discussion as Voight's last words pierced the fury of his thoughts.

"If you don't trust me, Jay, if the way I do business concerns you, then get the hell out."

Jay closed his eyes absorbing the violence of those words, before slowly walking away from Voight. He climbed into the bullpen with a heavy silence, the weight of the last few days weighed on his shoulders like boulders and he really had no idea what to do.

Maybe it was true, maybe he wasn't suited for that unit - to do things that way.

"Hey."

Hailey pushed him into the locker room as his head didn't even recognize her presence.

"Jay!" The urgency in her voice brought him back to reality. He blinked a few times before focusing on her. Her eyes were wide open and had so much blue that it stunned him.

"I heard Voight. What he said was…mean!" Hailey walked in circles running her hands through her hair nervously, "He shouldn't have reacted like that. We did what…"

"It's all on me, Hailey. I decided to enter." Jay cut her off with a wave of his hand.

Hailey looked at him like he was an alien, then her expression softened as she took a few steps closer to him, "I'll follow you everywhere, you know. If it's on you, it's on me too. We are a team."

"A team of two? Losers." Jay snorted bitterly.

"You said you would follow me everywhere. Don't turn your words against me." Hailey crossed her arms on her chest, challenging him with her gaze.

"Yeah, no. You're right."

"Jay." Hailey repeated his name softly. Her blue eyes were calm and, for the first time in all day, Jay felt a strange peace slide down his spine.

"I'm fine."

"What Voight said…you didn't take it seriously, did you?"

She didn't need to specify what she was referring to. He should have expected Hailey to hide behind the door, just in case he needed her. They were a team after all, she had just said so.

"I don't know. Maybe he's right. Maybe…"

"No." Hailey shook her head forcefully, "You're not thinking straight. You did everything right today. Having doubts about Voight was legitimate."

Jay smiled slightly.

Hailey's strength, explaining to him how the things had gone, convincing him. She remained resolute in her thought, continuing to remind him that she would go where he went.

But in the ferocity of her gaze, Jay recognized another emotion - one so strange about Hailey, that it took him a few seconds to figure out what it was.

She was scared.

The immense little woman in front of him was scared. She was scared he would give in to what Voight had said. Scared he would abandon her. Scared for him.

"Hey." Jay slid his hand down her arm, "It's been crazy the past few days. I don't have to make decisions in the moments, right?"

He smiled lightly at her as his grip on her forearm tightened. He looked at his hand pressed against her skin and suddenly remembered the first time she had touched him like this and his gaze wary and annoyed at her. And now Hailey was there, eyes closed, as she took a deep breath.

She had been his moral compass all those days, the person who grounded him and made him more rational. And she was tired now, tired of being cold and lucid for both of them.

"Come here." Jay pulled her towards him and as her arms encircled his torso, he let his face sink into her hair.

She was warm and small in his hug. And it was so right, to have her pressed against him. His heart suddenly beat faster and slower at the same time - he knew it wasn't possible, but that was his feeling and he was so tired of fighting it.

"I'm fine, Hailey. We're fine."

His hand slid down her back in a slow caress while the other was hooked in her long hair.

Hailey let out a long sigh with her face pressed against his chest and her hands clenched into small fists as she gripped his shirt.

He would have never thought that the same blond Detective who had entered that bank so forcefully so many years ago would become his moral compass in every situation.

**V - They both need comfort**

"Hailey."

Jay spoke as he saw her leave Voight's office with a lost look. It was such a strange look on her. Hailey was never lost, destroyed.

She acted as if he hadn't spoken and after grabbing her jacket from her chair, she disappeared down the hall.

Jay felt the eyes of their co-workers dart shyly from him to the point where she was gone. With a broken sigh, he stood up and followed her down the dark stairs to the garage.

He expected to see her get into the car, certainly not to disappear into the bathroom normally used by Platt's closet.

"Hey."

He found her folded over the sink while the water flowed through her hands. Again, Hailey didn't recognize his presence and, for a second, Jay trembled at the thought she was too lost in her nightmare world to return to the present. He knew that world well - made up of shadows, remorse, anger, death and devastation.

Her gaze was fixed on her reflection in the small mirror and her eyes were rimmed with red and…seemed so desperate.

Hailey was shattered and something, in the center of his chest, started screaming in rage.

He understood how fond she was of Cameron and knowing her, he knew she would never agree to cover Darius from his murder. It was something even he could never accept, Jay knew it well.

But seeing that look in her - that silent despair - was just something that made him suffer so much...

He slowly came up behind her and sighed in relief as her mirrored eyes shifted to him.

Jay stopped when his chest touched her back and he put his hands on her shoulders, light but firm. Something that, he hoped, could lightly root her.

Hailey blinked a few times and when she opened her eyes again, a tear slid down her cheek.

"That's not fair, Jay." She said angrily and his heart bled again.

"He was a good guy. He had made bad choices, I know. But he was my guy…my CI. I should have…I should have protected him."

With each word, Hailey slowly annihilated herself in front of Jay. Jay, who could see her face only in the reflection of the mirror. He didn't think he would have the strength to bear her icy gaze without the mirror to separate their eyes.

"I know."

"And Darius…" Hailey shivered as she said that name, "He's…"

"I know, Hailey. I know."

Jay tightened lightly his grip on her shoulders and she leaned a little on his touch. She closed her eyes and craned her head slightly until she met his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Hails."

She nodded shakily, eyes closed, and he felt so helpless - so useless.

Jay slowly walked away and before he really thought about what he was doing, he ran his hands through her hair, dividing it into three strands and began to tie them calmly - they were movements he didn't remember knowing how to do, but his hands moved by themselves. That same muscle memory Jay had been told about in the Army, when he was told how his finger would be on the trigger before his body even realized the brain's order.

"What are you…?"

"I tied my mom's hair when uhm…" Jay cleared his throat, "When she was too weak. She liked it."

Hailey looked at him in the mirror, her eyes big and blue - so much blue.

He placed the braid on her shoulder and she grabbed his hand with her eyes closed, while another tear slid down her cheek.

"I would just, you know, take this pain away from you." Jay sighed softly.

The silence was so deafening and he was afraid his voice boomed like a scream.

"I know, Jay. Thank you."

Her breath flickered as Jay put his arm around her shoulders, the skin of his arm touching her bare neck.

They both knew the pain was so rooted in her keeping her to think clearly. Jay just hoped he could help her, somehow.

He still didn't know how much that day had really hit Hailey until several months later, when he saw her get on a plane taking her to New York.

**One time Jay kissed Hailey**

Jay clutched his head in his hands, desperately searching for a way to stop the pain that seemed to split his head in two.

He turned off the garage lights and let his head rest against the wall behind him while the light from the street lamp outside the window slightly illuminated the room. He had almost slipped into a light sleep when Hailey's footsteps - he was so used to recognizing them and he had no doubt it was her - drew wearily in his direction.

"Hey!"

"Oh hey." Hailey looked at him with a slight nod.

He didn't even need to turn on the light to see the white patch stuck to her forehead.

"You good?"

"Good. I'm the proud owner of a new scar."

He snorted lightly at her indifferent tone. He could see her moving slowly and it certainly didn't take a genius to understand she was tired and really in pain.

"Eh, I can see it."

He didn't even think about it, but he just reached out for her. He paused just a moment before touching the white patch.

Her eyes darted to his outstretched hand, before returning to focus on him.

"You good?"

For a moment, Jay considered lying to her but, honestly, he knew he couldn't really do it anymore. "Just an headache, but fine." He touched his temple, narrowing his eyes slightly, "I didn't need to go to the hospital at least."

He wanted to be indifferent, as if the constant pounding in his brain wasn't driving him crazy, but a rather painful twinge forced him to lean over and hold his head in his hands.

"Do you want to get something? I have Advil in my desk, you know."

Hailey admonished him with a note of concern in her voice and he couldn't help but smile slightly.

"Hailey. It's...I don't like seeing you hurt."

He saw her open and close her mouth a few times before finding those words, he already knew, she would say.

"It's…our job."

"I don't like it anyway."

Hailey took a deep breath with her eyes closed and when her gaze fell back on him, something in her had changed.

Despite the dim light, he could see her blue eyes glow with an almost frightening calm.

"Jay." Hailey whispered his name, but in the silence of the garage, it seemed to boom, "We almost died today."

"Pretty accurate description, yeah."

He couldn't help but shiver. Before his eyes the images of the explosion still danced. Hailey and Kim who was thrown into the air and tumbled inert to the ground.

Something too similar to panic vibrated in his chest as his legs moved on their own to reach them. But only when he saw Hailey moan and move painfully on the ground, the panic slipped from his body like an invisible cloak.

"And you know I love our partnership."

Her calm voice brought him back to reality. This time, however, he couldn't follow the flow of her thoughts, so he nodded looking puzzled.

"I know."

"And you know I didn't take the job FBI offered to me because New York isn't…it's not what I want."

He saw her stammer slightly and something blurred the clarity of her eyes. Jay nodded slowly, trying to figure out what she really meant.

"Chicago is my home. Intelligence is my home." Hailey let out a slow breath that brushed his face, then she continued, "You…you are home, to me."

Jay blinked a few times. He knew she thought it, they had never put it into words, but he knew they both felt it. But hearing her voice saying it - in the dark, just the two of them - was something that made his heart beat a little faster.

He smiled at her and saw a shadow of a smile appear on her lips as well.

"I'm happy to hear it. You're home, to me, Hails."

Hailey shook her head forcefully, "Yeah, no. What I'm saying is…"

"I know what you're saying." Jay reached for her looking for her hand in the dark, "I'm saying that too."

Hailey stammered something incomprehensible and he had to hold back a smile at her embarrassment.

When he saw her gasping to say something, he pulled her lightly towards him.

"Honestly though, are we talking about the same thing? Because I could be…"

Jay couldn't finish the sentence because her lips were suddenly on his - warm and soft. But before he could really taste their softness, she had already moved away from him.

Jay smiled with his eyes closed, "Yup. We're definitely talking about the same thing."

He heard her giggle lightly, and when he opened his eyes, Hailey was smiling and staring at him.

They said nothing for a few moments, both of them so busy figuring out what really happened. How much of what just happened would change their partnership, their friendship.

Jay reached out and patted her shoulder gently, "Hey, I can hear you thinking."

"Eh."

"Eh." He laughed, amused by her embarrassment. It was so strange to see Hailey speechless, so Jay took matters into his own hands.

"You are my home, Hailey. You have been for a long time. I was just…" He stopped seeing her frown at him, "I guess I was afraid of ruining everything."

She never stopped looking at him and Jay realized they wouldn't ruin anything.

"So are we really doing this?"

"You're the only one I'd like to do this with." He chuckled placing a hand on her cheek.

Hailey closed her eyes and melted into his touch. Her cold skin perfectly mirrored the freezing temperatures of those days.

Her lips parted slightly and her breath rose in a white cloud between their faces.

"I'm about to kiss you, Hails."

He heard her giggle and realized that it had suddenly become her favorite sound.

He touched her lips with his and he couldn't help but notice the difference between her lips and her cold cheeks - they were warm and so, so soft. And then her hands were intertwined behind his neck and suddenly, he realized, his headache was forgotten too.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!
> 
> I couldn't resist writing Jay's version of 'Five times...' If you haven't read Hailey's version, I'll wait for you there :)
> 
> I had so much fun writing these two fics, I genuinely loved every moment of them!
> 
> I always hope you like them.
> 
> Talk soon, H.


End file.
